Your Barista Hates Us
Crude Coffee is the anti–coffee company, coffee company: no pretension, no poetry, just brutally good coffee for people who hate the corporate caffeine circus.
Who we are
Crude Coffee was built for the overworked, the undercaffeinated, and the people who don’t need a barista to feel alive. We don’t do syrup swirls, inspirational quotes, or oat milk foam art. We make strong, no-BS coffee for people who like their mornings rough and their roasts real.
01
Strength Over Sweetness
We don’t care how cute your cup looks. If it doesn’t shock your soul awake, it’s not coffee.
02
Grit Beats Glamour
This isn’t coffee for influencers. It’s for welders, operators, school teachers who say the “F-word”, bartenders, and anyone who wakes up sore.
03
No Fluff, Just Fuel
Our blends are crafted for performance and seriously perfect roasting. If you’re looking for notes of lavender or nostalgia, keep walking.
04
Loyalty to the Lifers
We make coffee for the folks still on shift when others are tapping out. You’re our people.
We hope you, like us, are sick of modern coffee brands and their curated nonsense, so we’re here to mock the industry with bad marketing and amazing coffee.
How to pick the perfect coffee:
- Step 1: Pick Your Persona
Are you a night shift oilfield savage? A barely-functioning Select-Soccer Mom? A cardigan-wearing sociopath who needs a legal stimulant?
Own it. Or make one up. We don’t judge. Much. - Step 2: Get Matched
We’ll pair you with the coffee that fits your alter ego, be it bold, burnt, smooth, or psychotically strong. No flavor notes. Just fuel. - Step 3: Drink It Like An Adult
No frothing. No oat milk. No holding it with two hands like it’s sacred.
Drink it hot and unapologetically. Then get back to doing whatever degenerate thing you do.